Nutrishun

You know, we humans eat a lot. I mean, we eat every day! Most of us anyway. That's a shit load of eatin!

SO! What are we eating? Well, for a while I was eating crap. But last week I was up late, and saw an infomercial about a new SUPERFOOD. A food so great, so awesome. Not only is it TASTY and DE-LICIOUS! BUT IT IS NUTRTISHOUS!

Scientist in Etheopia have found that puppy nuggets are the perfect food for a balanced diet. In fact, you will probably live longer. So eat up today y'all!

 

-Jearlene

FUCK HIPPY LESBOS

all of them.
the dark lord will REIGN over them.

LET ME IN

Looks like the most awesome, original, AMERICAN SPEAKIN movie this year.

Jetzt Selbstmord begehen wir

-Jearlene

Never Forget

So here we are, just 5 days after the 9th anniversary of September 11th, 2001.

I was sitting here, just enjoying my lunch (chick-fil-a's christian chicken nuggets with ranch! MMM!) when I got an email from my pal Sally McMackmy, and it said Wynonna Judd had lost 60 lbs!
Now, first of all, y'all need to understand, I am the LARGEST Wynonna fan this side of the international date line. I'd take her over that no talent twat of a sister "Assley" ANY day of the week.

But gosh I have always admired her. She had done so much with the body and facial structure that the good lord gave her. But what kept it all together was the dang MEAT on her BONES! I mean really, if you got a dang cube head you gotta soften the freakin' edges. It's damn geometry! That is just the way I have always felt about ladies with blunt features.

Well... I took a look at the email, and gosh. I just cannot believe it. All I can think is DANG DANG DANG. What is she DOING!?
Doesn't she realize that with the weight loss plus the tan, plus the eye brow plucking, teeth, and hair that looks like a halloween store wig,
she now looks like some tranny trying to be Wynonna?!
                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                      

WARNING: I AM ADVISING VIEWER DISCRETION! 

If you have any rug rats around, you may want to blindfold them or poke them in the eye or something.

Me personally, I felt like my boy Jarvis was ready to see it. YOUR CALL!

                                                                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                

  

 I'm sorry! But Mrs. Judd, you have crossed the line. You have betrayed your fellow fatties. And god has cursed you with an even uglier body!

But I cannot stay mad forever. I will NEVER FORGET the Wynonna we USED to know.
The one who liked to laugh while eating. And sing while eating. And even eat while eating.

What happened to the Wynonna I knew?

What happened to this:                                                 or this:

She is dead. But I know her soul will live on.

Let us remember the real Wynonna, not her imposter.

1964 - 2010

-Jearlene

WATCH OUT!!!!

So my lady friend Sarah Jo Snell told me that she saw this truly, and simply, AMAZING movie! She said it really explained race relations in their entirety, and that everyone should see it! And since I LOVED the last thing Sarah Jo recommended (an album called "Girl You Know Its True" by Vanilla Ice) I just knew I would LOVE this movie!

So I went to my local video store, asked the dumbass kid for Crash, and

WELL DANG IF THIS MOVIE WADN'T A PORNO!!!1

IT WAS DISGUSTING!

PERVERTED!

TWISTED!

NASTY!

IMMORAL!

AND JUST PLAIN DUMB!

THERE WAS EVEN SOME GAY SHIT! BUT I DECIDED IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR MY BLOG, THE SIMPLE THINGS! AND WORST OF ALL I THINK IT WAS FILMED IN FRICKIN TORONTO!

So I called up that bitch Sarah Jo and give her a peice of my mind! Well she said "NUH UH JEARLENE! CRASH IS A GOOD MOVIE, THAT HIDES SEX MORE THAN SHOWS IT! IT PERFECTLY OVERSIMPLIFIES RELATIONSHIPS WAY TOO MUCH TO BE AS COMPLEX AS WHAT YOU DESCRIBED!"

Well, it took a few hours, but we finally figured out that we were actually confused!
We had been tricked, by THIS FREAK! DAVID DAMN CRONONBORG!

THIS STUPID INDIAN LOOKIN' SATANIST DUMBASS MADE ME WATCH SO MUCH STUPID CRAZY SHIT! WHAT A  DUMB FREAKASS, DIRECTING THAT SHIT!














Anyway, I wanted everyone to know about this scary mistake.
DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU!
I gotta get going, my new favorite show, Saving Grace, is on! That Holly Hunter is SUCH a classy actress, almost at the level of Mrs. Gayheart. She'll cleanse me after I went through that CESSPOOL!

-Jearlene

Little Debbie's Peanut Butter and Jelly Oatmeal Pies

No. NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU REALLY DON'T. I LOVE THESE THINGS. I LOVE THEM. I HAVE affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment; devotion, adoration, doting, idolization, worship; passion, ardor, desire, lust, yearning, infatuation, besottedness. Don't you judge me! I love 'em!

Here's a close up of me enjoying them!

-Jearlene

Joyful. Happiness. Celebration!

Hey guys! Jearlene here. I thought I would start of my first real post with an interesting and seemingly unrelated list of items! Have a look!

Scream 2. Santa's Slay. Jawbreaker. From Dusk Til Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter. Urban Legend. Urban Legends: Final Cut (okay I know she just had a cameo, but you should have seen my face when I saw her!).

What do all of these marvelous names have in common? You may be thinking Joseph Lawrence, but you'd be wrong! It is non other than the murderer of Jorge Cruz Jr. herself, Mrs. Rebecca Gayheart!

This little lady is the real deal. She's the apple of my eye! The stone of my kidney! I love her. I love the way her hair flows like Heath Ledger's used to. She's a woman who knows exactly what she wants. After a near impeccable lineup of 90's feature films under her belt, she decided that she would only work sporadically for the next decade, and then not at all.

Well, this fabulous little lady tried and tried to stay out of the limelight. But it was no use, they wouldn't leave her alone! That's right, the birth of her child made it to number 8 on E!'s "Daily 10" on March 3, 2010. Sure they say she called the network for weeks to get a 40 second plug on the show, but I know that her admittance was actually modesty.

This lady makes me so joyful, so happiness, I need celebration! I feel a little tingle running up my leg when I see her. It makes me proud to have been alive on this planet at the same time she reigned. Now I hear her plan is to slowly fade away from all attention, until she is offered a role on Celebrity Fit Club a few seasons from now. Well, all I can say is YOU GO GURL!

-Jearlene

Hey! I'm Jearlene, and welcome to The Simple Things!

Y'all know, life can be pretty hectic at times. Whether I'm driving to work, working on my '94 Wrangler, or measuring things, I can get overwhelmed with it all. Now I've got this blog! I can relax and talk about.. you guessed it!.. The Simple Things!
I hope everybody enjoys it. :-0

P.S. This is me! I'll update real soon.

-Jearlene.